12 Days of DBT Cheer

Two sides of a dialectic for times when I love my family AND can’t spend more than two hours with them.

Dialectics basically means that two opposing things can both be true. So I can like that we have family traditions AND dislike grandma’s eggnog potatoes. Noticing dialectics in life helps us find the causes of pain, AND accept that both sides of a situation can be true.

Three states of mind so I can look at both facts and emotions when I am setting a holiday gift budget. Wise Mind is the combination of Emotion Mind (our emotions and values) and Reason Mind (facts and logic). So I can take into account my emotion motivating me to buy gifts for others while also knowing logically how much I want to spend.

The STOP skill so I can avoid breaking the Christmas lights when they inevitably get tangled.

STOP is an acronym for a DBT skill that stands for: 

Stop (trying to yank the tangle out of the lights). 

Take a step back (and carefully put the lights down and begin paced breathing).

Observe your surroundings and what’s happening in the situation (and notice if there are other lights you can use). 

Proceed mindfully by using your DBT skills to regulate your emotions (and ask someone to help hold the light string). 

When you notice your emotions taking over a holiday situation, you can use the STOP skill to keep yourself from acting out and making the situation worse.

5 ways to solve a problem because the tree we got was way too big for the living room.

You always have these 5 ways to solve a problem: 

1. Problem solve (Chop the tree shorter or move it to another room)
2. Change how you feel about the problem (Laugh at how silly it looks) 
3. Radically Accept the problem (Accept that you are going to have an oversized tree this year)
4. Stay miserable (sit on the couch wishing the tree would fit)
5. Make things worse (get angry and shake the tree, causing needles and pinecones to scatter around the room).

6 levels of validation so I help calm emotions when my sister overcooks the turkey

The 6 levels of validation are: 

1. Paying attention (Make eye contact, face towards her and listen to what she is saying) 
2. Accurate Reflection (“You are frustrated about overcooking the turkey”) 
3. Stating what hasn’t been said out loud (“Are you also feeling pressure because the turkey is the main course?”)
4. Validating with past history (“I’m guessing your frustration over the Thanksgiving turkey is adding to this”) 
5. Normalizing (“I don’t know if there’s a person in this family who hasn’t overcooked the turkey”) 
6. Radical Genuineness (“I am sad to see you so frustrated and I am wondering if I can help”).

Distracting with Wise Mind ACCEPTS for when you’re snowed in by a storm. ACCEPTS is an acronym for seven ways to distract yourself from a distressing situation that you can’t change: 

Activities (Bake cookies)

Contributing (Help a neighbor shovel snow)

Comparisons (Remember past storms you’ve survived)

Emotions (Play your favorite holiday music)

Pushing Away (Take a mental break from the worries)

Thoughts (Write a gratitude list)

Sensations (Sip hot cocoa)

The PLEASE skills so I have the energy to face any holiday surprises coming my way. The PLEASE skills are a DBT acronym for: 

Treat Physical Illness – (Take medication for my headache) 

Eat Balanced Meals – (Balance one slice of pie with one serving of carrots)

Avoid Mood Altering Substances – (Going for apple cider instead of spiked eggnog) 

Balance Sleep – (Going to bed just 10min earlier this week) 

Get Exercise – (Stand up and stretch twice each hour)

With the PLEASE skills we can take care of our mind by taking care of our body.

Nine points to scan mindfully to unwind and check-in with your body after eating too much dessert. A body scan meditation can help you unwind by checking in with yourself from head to toe. Go through the following directions and invite relaxation into your body:

Notice any tension in your head and imagine untying the tension like you would untie a bow. Now, move to your eyes and gently wipe the tension away. Notice if your shoulders are tense and if that tension also exists in your arms and chest, take a deep breath and release the tension while exhaling. Keep moving the tension out while scanning your stomach, hips, legs, and feet by rinsing the tension off and letting it flow away into the ground.

Ten names for emotions that I experience over the course of one family dinner

Here are 10 commonly felt emotions and when they may occur:

Fear – Your judgmental stepmother arrives unexpectedly

Anger – By the time you go to get dessert all you find is empty dishes and plates

Envy – Your brother’s food is attracting more attention than yours

Sadness – Your cousin doesn’t remember your secret handshake

Guilt – You make a joke about your nephew’s hair and he starts crying

Shame – Everyone collectively agrees you dominated the conversations last year

Jealousy – Your dog pays more attention to your uncle than you

Disgust – You give grandma’s eggnog potatoes one last chance

Happiness – You are able to name and tolerate the emotions you are feeling

Love – You look around the table and smile, grateful for these moments with your perfectly imperfect family

The Cope Ahead skill because I know my aunt is bound to ask me when I am getting married

To Cope Ahead you: 

Describe the situation that is likely to cause negative emotions (My aunt asking me when I will get married) 

Decide how you will cope (I will use paced breathing in the moment) 

Imagine yourself in the situation (Seeing the situation first-person and seeing my aunt ask the question) 

Rehearse coping effectively (Imagining myself using paced breathing and responding respectfully) 

Practice relaxation after rehearsing (Take some deep breaths and a warm shower)

The Participate skill so I can make the most of the holiday season.

To participate, ask yourself how you can be part of the moment. Sing carols despite feeling embarrassed, help to build a snowman and laugh at a joke! The Participate skill is like being a sponge and diving into the pool of life! It’s all about absorbing and being in the moment.